Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by ChainedTenchi
Summary: One-Shot. Songfic. First installment of a series I'm writing called MmHmm. After the World Tournament, Kai is heartbroken for the loss of his Dranzer. First BB Season Fic.


Title: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Author: CT

Rating: PG

Warnings: Dark, Suicidal thoughts, angst

Genre: Angst

Summary: One-Shot. Songfic. First installment of a series I'm writing called MmHmm. After the World Tournament, Kai is heartbroken for the loss of his Dranzer. First BB Season Fic.

Disclaimer: Okay, the song belongs to Relient K, from their album MmHmm, song title, Who I Am Hates Who I've Been. The band and song don't belong to me, I only bought a cd. 'Beyblade' and all associated characters and names are property of © Aoki Takao · BB3Project, TV Tokyo, licensed by d-rights Inc. I do not own Beyblade in any way and in writing this fiction I am not making a single cent/penny/any other form of currency. So don't sue. Please.

Authors Note: This particular fic is taking place near the end of the first season, after the end of the World Championships when Tyson beats Tala. The fics will fluctuate between seasons 1, 2, and 3. Also, they will change between characters.

/I watched the proverbial sunrise  
coming up over the Pacific and  
you might think I'm losing my mind,  
but I will shy away from the specifics.../

Kai sat slouched against the window, watching the sunrise from his hotel room. He was in Japan with the rest of his team and he was cooped up in the suite with two hyper children, a computer nerd, and some kind of half cat teen. He was currently busying himself by tapping his fingers rhythmically against the window, it was just barely seven A.M. and the rest of his team was still sleeping in their own rooms. Ray and Kenny were sharing a room, and Tyson and Max were sharing one. Luckily, Kai claimed one to himself before Tyson could.

/'cause I don't want you to know where I am  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
in the saddest state it's ever been./

He didn't want them to know anything about himself, who he was inside, and how he felt. He had a hard time accepting the fact that he was 'free'. The tournament in Russia had ended, Tyson defeating Tala and gaining the win for the BladeBreakers, and they had just arrived in Tokyo, Japan by plane. Since the dojo was in Kyoto and they had arrived at nearly midnight last night, they were staying in the hotel. Today, they were going by car to Kyoto, of course the vehicle and driver were being provided by Mr. Dickenson. And since the tournament was over, his grandfather and Boris were in jail, and he had nowhere to go other than to Voltaire's mansion, he was emotionally split. He didn't want to go back to the mansion, too many bad memories. He didn't want to think of Voltaire and Boris being in jail, if they ever got out, he'd be dead. And Tala, his best friend, and the other Demolition Boys, must hate him for the fact that he had gone back to the BladeBreakers.

/This is no place to try and live my life./

Watching the red and gold sunrise was hurting him, it reminded him of the colors of his precious phoenix bit beast. Dranzer was gone, after Black Dranzer was defeated and the bit beasts were released, he found that Dranzer had been completely absorbed by the dark bird. Since Dranzer was partially Black Dranzer, she became a part of the evil beast. And that broke his heart, when he saw all the other bladers regaining possession of their bit beasts and he, himself, losing Dranzer, he grew jealous and angry and close to tears all at once. He wanted so badly to cry, to just let himself go and burst into tears, wanting to get out all the pain of the past ten years, all in a few minutes.

/Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.  
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.  
Stop right there. Well I never should have said  
that it's the very moment that  
I wish that I could take back./

But he couldn't, he stopped himself from being weak in front of anyone else. It was his own fault, or at least that's what his mind believed, he had accepted the power of the dark beast when Boris offered it, ditched his team and friends, and abandoned Dranzer. He never should have done that, he crossed a thin line and there was no turning back now.

A thin trail of crystalline pain trickled from his black lashes and down his cheek, leaving a smeared blue trail on his cheek. A soft sob was muffled by his arms as he propped them up on his knees and softly cried into his arms. The light from the sunrise hitting him from above and illuminating his pale skin gold.

/I'm sorry for the person I became.  
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to try and never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been./

Oh, how badly he hated himself. He had let everyone down, he let Dranzer down, he let his team down, he even let himself down. He had always sworn to himself that he would always stay strong; he would never give into any kind of weakness or temptation. But he broke that promise to himself, he was crying and he had given into the lure of incredible power.

His tears flooded from his eyes, which were shut tight, eyelashes glittered with sparkling salt water. He wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his black tee shirt, resting his head on his knee and covering his reddened face with his trembling hands. The cloth of his black drawstring night pants soft against his forehead as it was stained with tears.

/I talk to absolutely no one.  
Couldn't keep to myself enough.  
And the things bottled inside have finally begun  
to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up./

He reflected on his life, hardly communicating with anyone other than with an 'hn' or some short, harsh phrase. He never let anyone in, all his anger was capped in a small bottle which was full to bursting, all his sadness trapped in his heart, behind his lifeless red eyes.

Slowly, he lifted his head, staring out the window at the few birds which flew across the sky. He looked down, staring at the pavement eight floors down. He could imagine his body lying dead on the pavement, which would be blood stained, his body broken and limp, paramedics rushing from ambulances to try and save his already dead body.

/I heard the reverberating footsteps  
synching up to the beating of my heart,  
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,  
I would watch me fall apart./

He could hear Ray opening the door to the room across from his own, walking out and leaving Kenny to either sleep or type away at his computer. The Chinese teen going to the small refrigerator to get a drink. Tyson was still snoring in his own room. . .he had no clue how Max could sleep in the same room with that noise which sounded like a tank-with-a-muffler-problem. He hated his 'science enhanced' hearing; Boris had messed with all of his senses when he was in the Abbey. He looked at the lock on his door, good, it was locked tight and no one could walk in on him crying like a weakling.

/And I can't let that happen again  
'cause then you'll see my heart  
in the saddest state it's ever been./

He badly wanted to punch his arm through the window, completely shatter the clear, clean glass, and cut himself open on the razor sharp shards and watch himself bleed from deep gashes. He wanted to slit his wrists and see how long it would take for him to bleed to death.

Suddenly, he heard a sharp, shrill caw. Looking up from the door's lock, his head whipped up to stare through the window instead of at it. His eyes wide as another long chirp echoed through his ears. The sun outlined the silhouette of what looked like a large bird, it looked black with the light shining behind it, but two gold eyes burned into his as it held its position.

/Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.  
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.  
Stop right there. Well I never should have said  
that it's the very moment that  
I wish that I could take back./

Kai placed his fingertips against the cold glass of the window, disbelief sketched across his face. He faintly could hear Max whomping Tyson with a pillow in his subconscious, but he was too consumed by the large bird which stared him down.

"D-Dranzer?" Kai whimpered, placing his palm flat on the window and propping himself up on his knees. The bird's eyes sparked red and he knew it was her, his precious friend. He let his tears return to stream down his face as he fell back to sit on the window seat, staring up, almost pleadingly at the fire bird."Dranzer, come back. Don't leave me here. I'm weak without you."

The phoenix just tilted her head to the side, as if to ask 'why', why did he plead with her to stay, why did he need her to be strong. . .why did he abandon her?

"Please, please don't go. I don't want to be left behind, not by you." Kai crushed his eyelids shut over his watering eyes. When he opened them again, the fire bird was perched on the window sill, the window open."Dranzer..."

Kai reached out to smooth down the plumes of her tail, his fingers lingering on the soft feathers.

/I'm sorry for the person I became.  
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to try and never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been./

Dranzer looked at him with gold eyes, she seemed angry with him.

"Please, I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I let you get hurt by Black Dranzer. I'm so sorry." Kai sobbed through gasps. His voice had gained a few pitches as he cried." I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry it took me so long to change. I never want to be like that again and I need your help. I hate who I've been, I hate me. . ."

Dranzer nuzzled her beak against his leg, nipping at the hem of a pant leg which fell down around his toes. Warmth radiated from her and heated up his chilly body as he wrapped his arms around her feathered body.

/Who I am hates who I've been  
and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.  
Who I am hates who I've been  
'cause who I've been only ever made me.../

He could hear Max walking from his room into the den of the suite, walking past his room but not disturbing him. Tyson following the blond with a holler of 'I claim Kai's food if he doesn't eat in the next ten minutes!' It was now nine fifty-three A.M., so long had passed with him crying.

He could feel his grip on Dranzer slipping away as she began to vanish, his eyes caught hers when she softly chirped and nipped at one of the silver bangs hanging in his face.

"Dranzer? Please don't leave me, not again." Kai tried to get a firm hold of his body, but she nodded to him and vanished in a ribbon of red light, said light leaving a bright trail to his duffel bag, where his blade lay dormant without a bit beast, until now. In place of the bird, a singe red feather fluttered to lie in his hand, and he came to a realization.

/So sorry for the person I became.  
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to try and never become that way again  
'cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been./

She returned to him, because he admitted he was wrong, he admitted he had been weak and stupid, and he had admitted to both himself and her that he needed someone else, he couldn't make it on his own. He hated himself for what he had done, and he had let her know. He wanted another chance. . .

And that's exactly what she would give him.

Feel free to review, comment, flame, whatever you deem is necessary in response to this fan fiction.


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